Hurt and Healing

As I pay closer attention to my body I am finding that the more I am surrounded by positive energy the sooner I seem to "heal" from my bouts of widespread pain, heart palpitations, and chest pains. It's crazy that I am still having these health issues at my age, but it's a comfort to know that it doesn't seem as intense as before.
I am really grateful that I have found this positive energy and have allowed myself to open up to it and experience it.
I talked with my mom the other day. I love her so much and she is so strong...but she is deeply entrenched in the negativity and codependency that, well had I stayed in my former position that would be me. I tried to explain to her that as a child of God it is her duty to live the one life she was given to the fullest, to let her little light shine so to speak. She understands the concept and knows that's what she needs to do...but then she realizes she doesn't know how. She keeps manifesting the same negativity, around every corner - I told her it's because she's walking in circles. I can see it from the outside, it's so clear, but to her she is still blinded. I wish I could help her. No, I wish she would help herself. I can help her, I know I can, if only she will open up as I had to.
Talking to her really opened up my eyes to how grateful I am to be experiencing the health and happiness that I am, because the old me would be wallowing in hell right now given all I've gone through lately.
It's hard still. I wake up sometimes and cry over Josh still. I guess I will for a while. He was my whole world for half my life...then my whole world crumbled to pieces when I needed it the most. That's when I realized that I never really could rely on anyone else to take care of me...they will crumble, they are not me, they will not take care of me the way I should be taken care of...only I can take care of me.
I love Josh for all he was and I regret nothing. I love my time with him and I regret nothing. I cherish every moment we had together and I regret nothing. I still love Josh. I always will love him. He will always ever be my first in so many aspects. He changed my life for the better and for that I am grateful. I forgive him for crumbling. He's not strong in the way I am strong, but he has made his choice and I respect it though I have made a different choice for myself.
Two roads diverged in the wood and I, I took the one less traveled by...Robert Frost.

Life is a Picnic

yesterday was a very quiet and very chill monday.
I woke up yesterday and took myself to the dr and got on a holter until tomorrow. Big was feeling really sick and was up all night puking so he wasn't able to drive me. It wasn't until later in the afternoon that he finally felt good enough to get up and about.
Once he was up he and I relaxed and watched some netflix at the cottage. Then he had a great idea. We made a mini picnic of finger food sandwiches and snacky food and then we drove down to the beach. We parked and ate by the light of the stars and the Santa Monica pier's ferris wheel all lit up like a holiday.
I love that he thinks of things like that. I used to love making and packing a picnic and putting it in my bike basket and riding until I found a nice green spot. Well I had to pull teeth to get Josh to go on a picnic and then it wasn't really much of a picnic, at least not to my standards. It's not a big deal. At all. But when Big spoke of doing the picnic and the way he wanted it done I felt a smile in my heart...

A Ring in the New Year

The above title is my clever way of playing with words. It is something I like to do secretly to amuse myself and it works.
I am in Los Angeles now, settled back in my little rented guest house cottage with Big John, my boyfriend. He and I celebrated christmas together yesterday because we weren't able to be with each other during the actual holiday. I love christmas, and this year nearly ruined it for me what with the official separation of me and josh, plus mom moving out of her home, and mema moving out of her home...that was the last time I would ever come home for christmas. Now I've got to make a new home and I will and I am doing so.
Christmas with Big was so wonderful. We had a beautiful sunny LA day, the cottage was festive with christmas lights and candles everywhere. I really like how Big makes me feel, I love how he says words and sentiments that come right out of my head, things I felt I had to train Josh in or things that I would argue with Josh about, Big naturally just has a similar mindset to me. I really like that because for so long I had squelched so many positive thoughts/dreams/feelings in order to meet Josh's mindset since he wouldn't meet mine - now I feel like I've been awaken from a dream and I am remembering all these things I used to (and still do) believe in.
For christmas I made Big some body oil and foot balm to match the smell, he loves to take care of himself and to smell nice and he loves it when I make him things. I love making things for people actually, so that works out great. Needless to say Big loved the gift and found it touching.
Big's gift left a mark on me too for sure. He presented me with his mother's engagement ring from the 60's. It is the only thing left of her that he has. It was also worn by his ex-wife as an engagement ring. He told me he could never give it to me as an engagement ring because of it's previous use, but that he wanted me to have it because he loves me and he wants to show me how devoted he is to me, even now. It's kind of like a promise ring. It is on my right hand now. I never thought I would wear yellow gold for anyone, but here I am with a yellow gold band with white gold settings and sparkling diamonds in a type of sunburst pattern. His mother wore this ring in a very happy and loving marriage to his father, who I know I would love if I had the chance to meet him, and her too.
At first I was conflicted, I thought the gift was an afterthought...but I see now that was just me coping with the fact that I do not truly believe I deserve such a gift, the gravity of it is just too great. I bought my engagement ring from Josh, and I even designed it, Josh facilitated it all of course, but if I were to be honest with myself well things would have been different if I didn't have a hand in it.
I know that it is far too soon to be thinking of a life long future with someone else. But Big and I have been together for just over a year now and I find myself feeling quite at home, quite natural. He cooks and cleans because he loves me and likes to take care of me. He does what he says he will do because he is a man of his word. He takes care of me but he doesn't put me ahead of everything (I do miss that from Josh but it was unhealthy) so there's a nice balance of me being independent.
Today I am going to drive myself to the hospital to get put on a heart monitor.

This new year

I took my rings off on january first as a symbolic way to start my new year as an independent woman. Josh and I have been surprisingly great through all this. We fight when it makes sense given the circumstance, but we quickly get over it. We are nurturing our friendship, which is a positive. It's going to be hard to completely let go. For both of us. It's been 14 yeas after all, it's going to take half a minute to deal with such a newness.
Today I looked into getting vanna registered in CA and getting a driver's license for myself. Then I've got to look into car insurance. Fun.
I also packed up my thrift store suit case full and so far its not over the airline weight limit. But I am still having to ship some stuff to the cottage. I'm sad about having to move from the cottage too, but honestly I can't even think about that right now.
I'm doing ok emotionally but I know this is just the tip of the iceburg. Tomorrow I am going to shoot this former photo client I had since before I went out to LA, it'll be nice to do this sort of gig again. I think it's interesting that I never shoot in LA and I just happen to do it in NC. I wonder if I will be doing it in NY, I kinda hope so actually! But I might not even end up in NY, who knows and right now who cares. I know that whatever is meant to be will be and I trust in God to guide me and light my way because I honestly have no idea where I'm going or how to get there.
I feel like Atreyu on the Great Quest.

Amazing Tarot Reading by Janice

One of my dearest and oldest friends is a very gifted Tarot reader, especially for me because we connect on such a deep level. I'm typically a bit of a skeptic when it comes to things like tarot and mythical things like that, and Janice is the only person I trust to read my tarot because her readings have always been true and real.
Janice is aware of my current situation, she knows that I am separated from my husband and I'm embarking on a new journey, so she asked if I'd like her to read my cards and of course I said yes. I chose a 5-card reading as it gives a better overview, at least to my opinion. Here is the outcome of the reading:

1.    current situation – Disruption
this marker warns of a shaky foundation placed on a fault line. At best this reminds you that shake ups are necessary when you need a wake up call. It’s a warning for you to be diligent and alert when making decisions. This can also portend a toppling of plans or ideas, or a total destruction of something hard won, worked for, or desired.
Be reminded that the way of the god/goddess is one of mystery and chaos, and chaos is the ultimate cleanser. Disruption brings delays and upsets that have a hidden gift of opportunity with in them.
This is the time to rethink, rebuild, and refortify that which was previously unstable, or it allows you to begin anew. Without this gift, you wouldn’t be adequately supported later on, when you’ll need it most.
The greater message reminds you that, in life, all people, places, concepts, and things are but fleeting on the path to wholeness Only Spirit is stable and eternal. Such is the wisdom of Avalon.
2.    your expectations – Fire Faery: creative action, optimism
The fire faery sparks ideas into action. She rules the flame of creativity and encourages you to move quickly. She is also the voice of happy optimism, showing you signs, signals, and omens to support your dreams. The fire faery gives you hope and courage and ensures that your dreams will come true if you simply act on them.
When the fire faery appears on your path, she gives you a gift – a magical sense of energy to help you complete any idea you have that serves the greater good. She signals positive outcomes for your efforts.
The fire faery brings you another gift: illumination. When you’re in the dark about something the fire fear lends you her light so that your path will be filled with illumination. All things come to light quickly when the fire fear appears.
3.    Hidden Influence – The Novice: innocence, beginner, ignorance, new skill without practice, unstable curiosity
Innocense, naivete, foolishness, early knowledge not yet integrated, the ability to see the world untainted, and learning ability – these are aspects of the novice as she appears in your life.
The novice is reminding you to be teachable and humble. If you don’t know something don’t pretend that you do. Chances are that you’ll make an error that may cost you more than you wish to pay.
New information is coming, and this is the time to be open to learning and expainding. The novice also reminds you to be like a child and remember the wonder and awe you once had for the world around you…when discovering magic was an essential part of everyday experience.
The novice reminds you that you need to stop and ask yourself, “What lesson must I learn here?” The lesson is always mirrored in the experience in front of you. Dig deep into the workings of whatever situation you’re inquiring about. You don’t have to look far, for the answer is right in front of you.
Sometimes it may feel as if you have two left feet and don’t know how to dance, or that perhaps you’re fumbling in the dark and fear that you may be left behind. It’s all right to be in the “not-knowing.” This is the place where new understanding takes times to integrate.
Be gentle with yourself. The greatest gift the novice reminds you of is that you’re always at the beginning of some area of your life. Patience and slow movement is required when the novice appears.
Before moving forward, perhaps you need time to journal your thoughts and receive clarity about what the Mystery invites you to learn. Then rejoice! The novice of Avalon is on a path to higher knowledge and abundant manifestation and doesn’t stay a novice for long.
4.    Advice – Letting Go
Releasing attachments, expectations, and desires yet unfulfilled – these are some of the aspects of this card. When you receive this marker on your path, you’re required to relinquish control and allow the Mysterfy to act as she will to weave life together as it is meant to be, according to the laws of the cosmos.
You cannot force something to come, or to remain, if its true place is elsewhere. Remember that what is yours can never be taken away. Allowing is this key to this marker, for what is yours will come to you.
The same applies to the past: This is the time to let go of old hurts, resentments, and unresolved anger, for they’re no longer welcome burdens on the path ahead. Old and outmoded ideas about life, how you see others, who you are based on who you were – these must also be left behind. Then you can move forward, unencumbered, stepping into the magic of the new present that leads into the best possible future.
5.    Outcome - The Merlin: alchemy (making something out of nothing), justice, balance
The Merlin is the messenger of initiation and alchemy and is both the magician and the high priest. He is the masculine keeper of magic and has the ability to turn iron ore into gold. Merlin says, “You have all you need to move forward. Rejoice that all the elements you require for success are, indeed, present!”
You are given notice that, when it comes to your life and its purpose, the magical aspect of merlin can be summoned to help you find an answer that is within you. When the merlin appears, he tells you that justice will be done in all matters of your query, but not by any forceful action. Instead, ask yourself what you need to do to bring balance into your life. Are you working too hard? Do you have enough down time?
The answers you seek are not found in obvious places. It’s time to go within, through meditation and prayer, and ask the Spirit to send you signs and omens to help you chart your course. The merlin says he will lend you his wisdom and magic on this leg of your journey, until you can claim it as your own.
He message is always: “Be in the world, but not of it, and wear it only as a loose cloak about your shoulders.” You will never have to look outside yourself for answers when merlin appears. Remember, all signs and omens sent by merlin are but reflections of that which is within you already.

I feel that this is essentially telling me that life as I know/knew it is over and I have to start over as a newb, if I want to meet my expectations of action then I have to let go and give up control, but it's ok because as long as I pay attention to the new knowledge coming my way I will learn the things I need to know and I already have all the elements I need to put that new knowledge to use. Basically it's telling me that I have all I need to move forward and to process the new information and experiences I will face. I don't know what this scares me. It does.


I've been told by close friends that I could move mountains once I learn patience, gain confidence, and understand my own self worth. I've been told by friends that I am a super woman. I have very amazing friends for this reason. But I've also been told by loved ones the exact opposite, so it's hard for me to know what I believe, only what I feel...the thing is, I often feel beaten down, ill prepared, not confident, unworthy, etc. I do not know how to change the way I feel about myself, but I hope that by looking back on this reading I will see that I have what it takes and will be able to face what lies ahead.

Today I Glow

I decided to create this blog as a way to chronicle my journey towards to completeness as I start over at age 30 with a new life. After 14 years of identifying myself as half of a couple, I now find myself as a single woman, an individual woman, on a journey to become a complete woman.
The title of this blog comes from a poem of the same name that I wrote as a testament to my growth and experience. I decided to take this title in hopes that as I write in my journal each day I will be reminded of my intention and inspired to keep going on this path, though I may be faced with obstacles.
Here is the full poem:

Today I Glow
No more taking the safe path
I’m forging new directions
Trusting in my passions when
I come to intersections
I’m a person of great worth
With my unique resources
I’ll take strength in saying “No”
Not be forced in one more “yes”
No more hiding in my box
I am bursting through my shell
I’m growing and evolving
All through each and every cell
No more acting meek and small
No more hiding in my cage
I am slowly taking steps
To my place at center stage
I only have this one life
To reflect God’s gifts and light
It is up to me to shine
I owe me alone the right
I’m channeling fortitude
And making my efforts show
No more hesitations now
As I breathe today I glow

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This is a Pin It button from Pintrest. I am in love with that site!! I thought it would be fun to put a button on the blog :)