Thursday, July 21, 2011

Living Alone.

I find it hard to be alone. I miss hearing someone else rustling around the house, breathing, living, just being there. Growing up I never had a room to myself nor any privacy really until well into college, then for just stints during roomate changes. I liked having people around, I still do. Josh and I had my brother live with us, then my cousin and her three babies...all in our two bedroom house in SC. Then we moved to NC where we lived with another couple and then Mia. Plus we had our menagerie of animals, which is why our home was called the Ark. Now I'm in a 1 bedroom apartment with no pets; it is quite a different lifestyle that I've fallen into. Not bad. Just very different.

It is hard for me to come home to an empty house. I don't know if I will ever be happy with this. This is the price that I have to pay for the direction life has taken me. It's one thing to talk to Big on the phone while he's traveling, but the the phone thing doesn't happen every day especially when there is a time difference or our work schedules clash. It's not his fault, nor does it strain our relationship, it's just doesn't help the situation.

It gets super lonely at the end of those days when I can't talk to Big because that's when I realize that, at the end of the day,  I have no one with whom to share my day. It is a very lonely feeling to not have some family member already right there or some warm pet to snuggle. I am definitely a tribal type and the lack of someone's heart beating, breathing, and rustling really takes a toll sometimes.

I find it is a double-edged sword. When I am busy I have less time to realize I am alone, however I have more things I would like to share with a loved one at the end of said busy days though no one is there which is depressing. When I am not busy I have more time to realize I am alone which is depressing though no real pressing urge to share any news with them at the end of those slow days and no real distraction from the depressing feeling. I do not rely on others for my happiness, don't get me wrong, but honestly I'm simply not used to such abundance of oppressive silence.

It's not even about being social, necessarily, in fact I would much rather not go out. A great evening to me would be to stay in and cook and enjoy wonderful conversation and laughs, whether it's at my place or a friend's. And I know that I can talk to Big the next day if I can't reach him at night...but that is not the point. It isn't enough for me to have a phone call, even if it is daily. It is ironic that after I spent so long in an open marriage surrounded by people, now my monogamous boyfriend would be the type who makes his living traveling. Serves me right. But at least in a way it is forcing me to learn how to live with just me and my heartbeats and my breathing and no one else's. I love my mom and I look up to her, but I do see the struggles she is going through now that she is living alone. She and I are independent, we do what we do, but we are not used to being alone. It is very hard for her, and I guess maybe there is some truth to the old saying, "You can't teach an old dog new tricks," so in a way I am grateful for this lesson in living alone.

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