Living Alone.

I find it hard to be alone. I miss hearing someone else rustling around the house, breathing, living, just being there. Growing up I never had a room to myself nor any privacy really until well into college, then for just stints during roomate changes. I liked having people around, I still do. Josh and I had my brother live with us, then my cousin and her three babies...all in our two bedroom house in SC. Then we moved to NC where we lived with another couple and then Mia. Plus we had our menagerie of animals, which is why our home was called the Ark. Now I'm in a 1 bedroom apartment with no pets; it is quite a different lifestyle that I've fallen into. Not bad. Just very different.

It is hard for me to come home to an empty house. I don't know if I will ever be happy with this. This is the price that I have to pay for the direction life has taken me. It's one thing to talk to Big on the phone while he's traveling, but the the phone thing doesn't happen every day especially when there is a time difference or our work schedules clash. It's not his fault, nor does it strain our relationship, it's just doesn't help the situation.

It gets super lonely at the end of those days when I can't talk to Big because that's when I realize that, at the end of the day,  I have no one with whom to share my day. It is a very lonely feeling to not have some family member already right there or some warm pet to snuggle. I am definitely a tribal type and the lack of someone's heart beating, breathing, and rustling really takes a toll sometimes.

I find it is a double-edged sword. When I am busy I have less time to realize I am alone, however I have more things I would like to share with a loved one at the end of said busy days though no one is there which is depressing. When I am not busy I have more time to realize I am alone which is depressing though no real pressing urge to share any news with them at the end of those slow days and no real distraction from the depressing feeling. I do not rely on others for my happiness, don't get me wrong, but honestly I'm simply not used to such abundance of oppressive silence.

It's not even about being social, necessarily, in fact I would much rather not go out. A great evening to me would be to stay in and cook and enjoy wonderful conversation and laughs, whether it's at my place or a friend's. And I know that I can talk to Big the next day if I can't reach him at night...but that is not the point. It isn't enough for me to have a phone call, even if it is daily. It is ironic that after I spent so long in an open marriage surrounded by people, now my monogamous boyfriend would be the type who makes his living traveling. Serves me right. But at least in a way it is forcing me to learn how to live with just me and my heartbeats and my breathing and no one else's. I love my mom and I look up to her, but I do see the struggles she is going through now that she is living alone. She and I are independent, we do what we do, but we are not used to being alone. It is very hard for her, and I guess maybe there is some truth to the old saying, "You can't teach an old dog new tricks," so in a way I am grateful for this lesson in living alone.

My 4th of July Weekend part 2

This July 4th was definitely not a traditional one for me. Instead of camping or backyard BBQ'ing, I went to Malibu to see the ocean, go to a wine tasting at a 5-Star restaurant, and then see four amazing fireworks shows over the Pacific Ocean from the best view in Malibu.

I had designs on going to the beach proper and actually putting my toes in the water, or at least my feet in the sand. Alas, that was not to be. The beaches were positively packed with people. Of course they were. It's Malibu on a holiday. Whatever was I thinking? But the drive was gorgeous.

I spent the late afternoon with Big at Beau Rivage. It is that 5-star place I was talking about, and as such it was quite empty...we had the place to ourselves.  tasting wine and chocolate made with port and all manner of nummies.  I like to taste the wine before I read or hear the description so I can try to identify the notes I am tasting before I know what they are. I am getting alright at this wine tasting thing actually. After that, instead of doing a beach picnic, I decided it would be best to get my white ass out of the sun and the crowd. So we went to see a movie instead. We saw Bad Teacher. It was cute.

After the movie it was time to carry on with our plans. Armed with our new chocolates and a couple bottles of wine, we make our way to the party by the pacific. EPIC!! I'll just describe it as an intimate gathering of amazing people, and even though we weren't all family and friends we all had a great time drinking and watching the shows. It was amazing. From where we were you could see from bluff to bluff all the way to Santa Monica (well, on a clear night lol). There were four huge barges that set sail from various points along the shore, designed to give everyone along the shore a view of the fireworks show. One after another they began their show and I was fortunate enough to see all four shows from where we were sipping our wine and having a great time.

Touring with Big

When I found out what Big did for a living I was very excited because he makes a living doing the very thing that inspired me to switch my major! He works in experiential marketing. I don't work in that field but I still have a desire to, and I know that I don't want to keep doing my current vocation forever. I always thought I would get a sensible college degree so I would have something to fall back on, and in this particular field the adage "it's not what you know but who you know" is more law than myth.

I always wanted a family business. I love working with family and the time spent working in the same office as josh and mia was the happiest of my working experiences since my current position. I love the connection that it creates when you work on something relevant to each other, it gives you so much more to talk about...at least to me.

I've gone out on a couple of marketing tours with Big and we are talking more and more of how we can be the ones to write the checks and plan the tours...he's been the frontrunner of these talks, which is wonderful because I'm used to being the idea-haver. It is refreshing to know I am coupled with someone who is as ambitious as I am.

I was worried that being on the road and working with Big would bring up issues, fighting, discomfort, etc...and I figure it would have best to just get all of that out of the way. Oddly enough things have been nothing but smooth. I have to check myself a good bit because I'm not used to not being in the management role in situations like this...so I have to remember that lol. But I am learning a lot and I'm really good at it so far.

It is nice to know that I am building experience and learning so much while still working and doing what I love. It is also nice to know that so far Big and I haven't torn off each others' heads lol. I like working and living and I'm learning that as long as you like work and life you're doing pretty good!

Armageddon Nostalgic

Well I guess today isn't the day I go. But on this, the supposed Last Day, I can't help but to sit and think about things that mean a lot to me.

There are a lot of things I miss.

Going to Flea Markets and Thrifting with Josh still ranks up there with my most happy times. I miss the weekly Coffee Dates that Justine and I would take, even though she doesn't drink coffee. I miss Garage Talks with the Bestest. So much. I miss the days with Kiki who was like my surrogate older sister.

I can't dwell on these things, I know. It hurts too much. But in a way it is so good to know that these things are indeed irreplaceable, which makes them all the more precious.

I've made my mind up to continue on my journey, where ever that might take me, and I won't stop in my tracks and I won't backstep...but I will continue to look back with love on all the wonderful moments I've had. Since it seems I will have at least a few more days on this planet I will try to cultivate new rituals with new people...but I'm still praying for that transporter so I can pop right over to meet Justine at our Starbucks or beam right into Steve's garage for one of his legendary homebrews and talks.

I'm actually growing a plant!

I have a black thumb. It's been proven time and again as I kill one innocent plant after another. Seriously I have managed to kill off even cacti and aloe....yeah, it's that bad. Yet I have still always wanted to grow something.

In the past I have tried to grow strawberries in a hanging pot, so as to keep the pets away, but they never even sprouted! I have tried to make a flower bed and plant herbs and flowers given to me by my grandmother, Me-Ma...I think maybe there's a rosemary bush still around, but everything else was a no go. Yet still I keep on keeping on.

I've never been able to successfully grow anything from a seed, so I just bought the potted plants from Lowes or Walmart...then I planted them, cared for them, watched them die...and so on and so forth.

Until now.

I saw a cute little Buzzy kit in the dollar section of Target, it had a teeny planter, a packet of seeds, and some soil. I thought to myself, hell it's only a dollar, let's give it a try. They had a lot of different plants to choose from in these little kits, so I chose the TOMATO PLANT! Yeah! I've never tried to grow an actual vegetable.

I planted 5 of the seeds in the little pot. And all five seeds have sprouted! They are actually growing. It seems so simple, but it's a huge accomplishment for me. My Me-Ma and Gran-Gran were really into gardening and I always admired that. Me-Ma has been really supportive, giving me cuttings of plants she'd been growing since I was a baby...but nothing seemed to take. Nothing I had planted before ever grew, unless it was weeds lol! Gran-Gran used to grow tomatoes in pickle tubs and he would sell them, along with other awesome stuff he grew, at the Farmer's Market in SC. We lost him recently and I thought it would be nice to honor his memory by trying to grow tomatoes myself.

I am so glad that I didn't give up on this. I can't count the times in the past where I wasted so much time and money on plants and seeds and soil and supplies to no avail. I don't know why this time is different, but somehow I did it. Now I've got five gorgeous tomato sprouts growing strong!.

work work work

I've been doing a lot of work on my new lesson plans. Now all I need is a space in which to teach...preferably one that allows me to get paid yet doesn't cost an arm and a leg to rent. That type of space is LA is actually hard to come by. I could teach my little heart out at this cute little community club house/meeting place....but they don't pay their presenters and well since I'm a professional I need to be paid for teaching my art. I know it is flattery but I have already seen knock offs of my style out there in photos, and that's fine but it does make me think twice before I just give away my trade secrets. Also most places here are really expensive to rent, then you have to find seating and teaching aids and staff to man the door and make sure everyone gets all the paperwork done...all that kinda stuff. But I feel that any minute now an opportunity will present itself and I will have a space to share my workshops with folk.

I miss teaching so much. It feels like a lifetime since I taught a proper class and I've been ready to return. I do have a four-hour spot at a trade show at the LA Convention Center in a month or so. That will be nice! I think I will be able to do a nice demo and get the word out about my art and classes.

I've also been doing a lot of planning on some other projects to come...and this time I'm armed with a team of pros who have been in the industry for a while and know what they are doing. It's scary to think that I might actually be able to pull off what I am planning. But I am going to damn well try.

In the meantime I have to work on losing weight! I've put on stress weight since the holidays and it's not looking pretty haha. But no matter, I am learning patience and so I think I can handle this.

Easter Tradition Revisited

Yesterday was Easter and it was the first time in a while that I dyed Easter eggs. Big thought it would be nice to dye eggs this year and celebrate a proper holiday together. I thought it was a great idea because I love holidays so much, plus he and I are rarely together for holidays because of his travels. I thought it was cute that he wanted to do this.

Our Easter was very domestic and quiet. Not at all exciting or worth note, millions of people celebrate Easter in a very similar way...however I lived such a nontraditional life for such a long time that sometimes going along with tradition seems a bit "kinky" to me. See there? See how I can't even post about something as innocent an innocuous as Easter without using the word kinky.

So yeah, back to our day. It was so cute! The only thing that would have made it perfect would be to add my friends and family from back home. I miss them so much!

When we got up Big made coffee and took me to the grocery store to buy eggs - that's love right there, you'd have to do some hefty convincing to get me to drive to the grocery on easter sunday to buy eggs! Eggs in hand we returned to the apartment where I made bacon cinnamon rolls for brunch and big made a nummy bloody mary for us and then prepped his marinade for the t-bone steaks to come later for Easter dinner. He's old school Italian where it's tradition for the men to do the cooking, it reminds me of Gran Gran, my grandfather, who would also cook the big family meals and I loved it.

The rest of the day is spent playing wii, dying eggs, and watching excellent movies like Beverly Hills Cop and Lord of the Rings: Return of the King and lots of conversation and cuddles until it was time for Big to make Easter dinner. The night before, Big and I were at the Lil Wayne show where we were working it back stage with the tour manager for Nicki Minaj who's meet and greet party was nuts. There were both kids and adults crying and she was sweet and hugged each one and posed for photos, there was a pink confection table and it was just adorable...but it was nice to kick back at home the day after all that and enjoy a holiday.

Here's the eggs yall. Because you have to look at them. Each one. It is mandatory. And thusly is deemed so.

Big holding an egg!

See those pink bunny pot holders? Big picked those out.

I made this one with swirlies and rainbow stripes

Big's egg, he's so sentimental!

I made this multicolored one with paper flowers and hose

springtime yellow!

My attempt at sentiment, think I'll stick with the swirlies

We made one each with fishnets, Big added a flower to his green one

We both worked on this one, it's orange and pink and swirly and speckled and it's my favorite one.