Friday, January 28, 2011

Hurt and Healing

As I pay closer attention to my body I am finding that the more I am surrounded by positive energy the sooner I seem to "heal" from my bouts of widespread pain, heart palpitations, and chest pains. It's crazy that I am still having these health issues at my age, but it's a comfort to know that it doesn't seem as intense as before.
I am really grateful that I have found this positive energy and have allowed myself to open up to it and experience it.
I talked with my mom the other day. I love her so much and she is so strong...but she is deeply entrenched in the negativity and codependency that, well had I stayed in my former position that would be me. I tried to explain to her that as a child of God it is her duty to live the one life she was given to the fullest, to let her little light shine so to speak. She understands the concept and knows that's what she needs to do...but then she realizes she doesn't know how. She keeps manifesting the same negativity, around every corner - I told her it's because she's walking in circles. I can see it from the outside, it's so clear, but to her she is still blinded. I wish I could help her. No, I wish she would help herself. I can help her, I know I can, if only she will open up as I had to.
Talking to her really opened up my eyes to how grateful I am to be experiencing the health and happiness that I am, because the old me would be wallowing in hell right now given all I've gone through lately.
It's hard still. I wake up sometimes and cry over Josh still. I guess I will for a while. He was my whole world for half my life...then my whole world crumbled to pieces when I needed it the most. That's when I realized that I never really could rely on anyone else to take care of me...they will crumble, they are not me, they will not take care of me the way I should be taken care of...only I can take care of me.
I love Josh for all he was and I regret nothing. I love my time with him and I regret nothing. I cherish every moment we had together and I regret nothing. I still love Josh. I always will love him. He will always ever be my first in so many aspects. He changed my life for the better and for that I am grateful. I forgive him for crumbling. He's not strong in the way I am strong, but he has made his choice and I respect it though I have made a different choice for myself.
Two roads diverged in the wood and I, I took the one less traveled by...Robert Frost.

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Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Life is a Picnic

yesterday was a very quiet and very chill monday.
I woke up yesterday and took myself to the dr and got on a holter until tomorrow. Big was feeling really sick and was up all night puking so he wasn't able to drive me. It wasn't until later in the afternoon that he finally felt good enough to get up and about.
Once he was up he and I relaxed and watched some netflix at the cottage. Then he had a great idea. We made a mini picnic of finger food sandwiches and snacky food and then we drove down to the beach. We parked and ate by the light of the stars and the Santa Monica pier's ferris wheel all lit up like a holiday.
I love that he thinks of things like that. I used to love making and packing a picnic and putting it in my bike basket and riding until I found a nice green spot. Well I had to pull teeth to get Josh to go on a picnic and then it wasn't really much of a picnic, at least not to my standards. It's not a big deal. At all. But when Big spoke of doing the picnic and the way he wanted it done I felt a smile in my heart...

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Monday, January 10, 2011

A Ring in the New Year

The above title is my clever way of playing with words. It is something I like to do secretly to amuse myself and it works.
I am in Los Angeles now, settled back in my little rented guest house cottage with Big John, my boyfriend. He and I celebrated christmas together yesterday because we weren't able to be with each other during the actual holiday. I love christmas, and this year nearly ruined it for me what with the official separation of me and josh, plus mom moving out of her home, and mema moving out of her home...that was the last time I would ever come home for christmas. Now I've got to make a new home and I will and I am doing so.
Christmas with Big was so wonderful. We had a beautiful sunny LA day, the cottage was festive with christmas lights and candles everywhere. I really like how Big makes me feel, I love how he says words and sentiments that come right out of my head, things I felt I had to train Josh in or things that I would argue with Josh about, Big naturally just has a similar mindset to me. I really like that because for so long I had squelched so many positive thoughts/dreams/feelings in order to meet Josh's mindset since he wouldn't meet mine - now I feel like I've been awaken from a dream and I am remembering all these things I used to (and still do) believe in.
For christmas I made Big some body oil and foot balm to match the smell, he loves to take care of himself and to smell nice and he loves it when I make him things. I love making things for people actually, so that works out great. Needless to say Big loved the gift and found it touching.
Big's gift left a mark on me too for sure. He presented me with his mother's engagement ring from the 60's. It is the only thing left of her that he has. It was also worn by his ex-wife as an engagement ring. He told me he could never give it to me as an engagement ring because of it's previous use, but that he wanted me to have it because he loves me and he wants to show me how devoted he is to me, even now. It's kind of like a promise ring. It is on my right hand now. I never thought I would wear yellow gold for anyone, but here I am with a yellow gold band with white gold settings and sparkling diamonds in a type of sunburst pattern. His mother wore this ring in a very happy and loving marriage to his father, who I know I would love if I had the chance to meet him, and her too.
At first I was conflicted, I thought the gift was an afterthought...but I see now that was just me coping with the fact that I do not truly believe I deserve such a gift, the gravity of it is just too great. I bought my engagement ring from Josh, and I even designed it, Josh facilitated it all of course, but if I were to be honest with myself well things would have been different if I didn't have a hand in it.
I know that it is far too soon to be thinking of a life long future with someone else. But Big and I have been together for just over a year now and I find myself feeling quite at home, quite natural. He cooks and cleans because he loves me and likes to take care of me. He does what he says he will do because he is a man of his word. He takes care of me but he doesn't put me ahead of everything (I do miss that from Josh but it was unhealthy) so there's a nice balance of me being independent.
Today I am going to drive myself to the hospital to get put on a heart monitor.

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Monday, January 3, 2011

This new year

I took my rings off on january first as a symbolic way to start my new year as an independent woman. Josh and I have been surprisingly great through all this. We fight when it makes sense given the circumstance, but we quickly get over it. We are nurturing our friendship, which is a positive. It's going to be hard to completely let go. For both of us. It's been 14 yeas after all, it's going to take half a minute to deal with such a newness.
Today I looked into getting vanna registered in CA and getting a driver's license for myself. Then I've got to look into car insurance. Fun.
I also packed up my thrift store suit case full and so far its not over the airline weight limit. But I am still having to ship some stuff to the cottage. I'm sad about having to move from the cottage too, but honestly I can't even think about that right now.
I'm doing ok emotionally but I know this is just the tip of the iceburg. Tomorrow I am going to shoot this former photo client I had since before I went out to LA, it'll be nice to do this sort of gig again. I think it's interesting that I never shoot in LA and I just happen to do it in NC. I wonder if I will be doing it in NY, I kinda hope so actually! But I might not even end up in NY, who knows and right now who cares. I know that whatever is meant to be will be and I trust in God to guide me and light my way because I honestly have no idea where I'm going or how to get there.
I feel like Atreyu on the Great Quest.

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