The above title is my clever way of playing with words. It is something I like to do secretly to amuse myself and it works.
I am in Los Angeles now, settled back in my little rented guest house cottage with Big John, my boyfriend. He and I celebrated christmas together yesterday because we weren't able to be with each other during the actual holiday. I love christmas, and this year nearly ruined it for me what with the official separation of me and josh, plus mom moving out of her home, and mema moving out of her home...that was the last time I would ever come home for christmas. Now I've got to make a new home and I will and I am doing so.
Christmas with Big was so wonderful. We had a beautiful sunny LA day, the cottage was festive with christmas lights and candles everywhere. I really like how Big makes me feel, I love how he says words and sentiments that come right out of my head, things I felt I had to train Josh in or things that I would argue with Josh about, Big naturally just has a similar mindset to me. I really like that because for so long I had squelched so many positive thoughts/dreams/feelings in order to meet Josh's mindset since he wouldn't meet mine - now I feel like I've been awaken from a dream and I am remembering all these things I used to (and still do) believe in.
For christmas I made Big some body oil and foot balm to match the smell, he loves to take care of himself and to smell nice and he loves it when I make him things. I love making things for people actually, so that works out great. Needless to say Big loved the gift and found it touching.
Big's gift left a mark on me too for sure. He presented me with his mother's engagement ring from the 60's. It is the only thing left of her that he has. It was also worn by his ex-wife as an engagement ring. He told me he could never give it to me as an engagement ring because of it's previous use, but that he wanted me to have it because he loves me and he wants to show me how devoted he is to me, even now. It's kind of like a promise ring. It is on my right hand now. I never thought I would wear yellow gold for anyone, but here I am with a yellow gold band with white gold settings and sparkling diamonds in a type of sunburst pattern. His mother wore this ring in a very happy and loving marriage to his father, who I know I would love if I had the chance to meet him, and her too.
At first I was conflicted, I thought the gift was an afterthought...but I see now that was just me coping with the fact that I do not truly believe I deserve such a gift, the gravity of it is just too great. I bought my engagement ring from Josh, and I even designed it, Josh facilitated it all of course, but if I were to be honest with myself well things would have been different if I didn't have a hand in it.
I know that it is far too soon to be thinking of a life long future with someone else. But Big and I have been together for just over a year now and I find myself feeling quite at home, quite natural. He cooks and cleans because he loves me and likes to take care of me. He does what he says he will do because he is a man of his word. He takes care of me but he doesn't put me ahead of everything (I do miss that from Josh but it was unhealthy) so there's a nice balance of me being independent.
Today I am going to drive myself to the hospital to get put on a heart monitor.
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