Friday, January 28, 2011

Hurt and Healing

As I pay closer attention to my body I am finding that the more I am surrounded by positive energy the sooner I seem to "heal" from my bouts of widespread pain, heart palpitations, and chest pains. It's crazy that I am still having these health issues at my age, but it's a comfort to know that it doesn't seem as intense as before.
I am really grateful that I have found this positive energy and have allowed myself to open up to it and experience it.
I talked with my mom the other day. I love her so much and she is so strong...but she is deeply entrenched in the negativity and codependency that, well had I stayed in my former position that would be me. I tried to explain to her that as a child of God it is her duty to live the one life she was given to the fullest, to let her little light shine so to speak. She understands the concept and knows that's what she needs to do...but then she realizes she doesn't know how. She keeps manifesting the same negativity, around every corner - I told her it's because she's walking in circles. I can see it from the outside, it's so clear, but to her she is still blinded. I wish I could help her. No, I wish she would help herself. I can help her, I know I can, if only she will open up as I had to.
Talking to her really opened up my eyes to how grateful I am to be experiencing the health and happiness that I am, because the old me would be wallowing in hell right now given all I've gone through lately.
It's hard still. I wake up sometimes and cry over Josh still. I guess I will for a while. He was my whole world for half my life...then my whole world crumbled to pieces when I needed it the most. That's when I realized that I never really could rely on anyone else to take care of me...they will crumble, they are not me, they will not take care of me the way I should be taken care of...only I can take care of me.
I love Josh for all he was and I regret nothing. I love my time with him and I regret nothing. I cherish every moment we had together and I regret nothing. I still love Josh. I always will love him. He will always ever be my first in so many aspects. He changed my life for the better and for that I am grateful. I forgive him for crumbling. He's not strong in the way I am strong, but he has made his choice and I respect it though I have made a different choice for myself.
Two roads diverged in the wood and I, I took the one less traveled by...Robert Frost.

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