Tarot Reading

I haven't had an opportunity to do a tarot reading since the last one with Janice. This time I was on my own. I haven't done a reading on myself since I can't even remember. Tonight I did a 3 spread. As I handled the deck I thought of my issue, I have been feeling a niggling feeling that I should do something, I should be doing something, I should be striving or fighting for something. I have a million ideas of "what to do" and "where do I go from here" and a good bit of those ideas are not only good ideas they are also doable...but I feel like a quail, as if when I move I will get shot down, yet I still have this itch to move.

I decided to do my spread as Me, Issue, Outcome to where the 1st card represented myself, the2nd card represented my situation, and the 3rd card represented my outcome.

1st Card: Where I am Within Myself
King of Pentacles:

The King of Pentacles is a lot like King Midas - everything he touches turns to gold. He is a pillar of financial stability, with wealth and experience to share with everybody. This is the logical conclusion of all the positive ideals of the Pentacles suit: through diligence, responsibility and attention to detail we can and will become like the King of Pentacles. He is always rich materially if not spiritually, and he encourages you to live your life like he would. When this card appears he can either represent a person in your life, or a part of yourself trying to be expressed.
No one has a stronger character than the King of Pentacles. His word is as good as his gold, and certainly just as valuable. He's similar to the Knight in that whatever he says he will do, will get done. But where the Knight takes on responsibility for the sake of responsibility, the King is in it for profit. He's a businessman to the core, the master of the material world. This could be seen as a fault, and it can certainly become so if he lets it get too far out of hand, but this rarely happens. He has too much experience and intelligence to be swept away by the allure of money; he prefers the security and peace of mind that it brings him.
A lot of people see the King of Pentacles as dull and unimaginative, but this is probably because he simply prefers old ways of thinking and acting. This is not to say that he refuses to learn new things; in fact, he likes learning and has a wide variety of skills to call upon. But the old methods usually work best for a King of Pentacles and so he sticks with them. He is relied upon because of his devotion to duty and his trustworthiness. It's rare to see a King of Pentacles get angry, because they have a steady temperament and a very long fuse. But he is unforgiving to those who violate his trust, and for those people he has absolutely no mercy.
Whenever you need the skills to manage your material affairs competently and efficiently, you can call upon the King of Pentacles. Take up all the vast challenges of the material world, and know that you can conquer them all if you work hard. Give generously of your time and resources, because by giving you often receive more, and making more money is something that all Kings of Pentacles love to do! When he appears, know that you have reached the height of achievement and you don't need to take any more risks. Simply watch for the right time to draw money and wealth to yourself. Let the King inspire you to success so you can inspire others in turn.
***I do not believe that I am the King, yet, but I know that it is within me because I do feel that drive and ambition, however I never believed in my own authority or worth as a king would, so I always feel like I should be doing more or something new. I believe that I received this card to remind me that I am doing all that I should, whether I realize it or not, and I can stay in my lane. I needed to know that I can handle life's challenges, just keep doing what I'm doing and work on my behaviors that detract from my goals such as anger and distraction.

2nd Card: The Situation or Issue at Hand
*** Ok so I picked 1 card, I promise, however these two were stuck together so much so that I thought it was one card. I wasn't sure what to do...then I read both descriptions and it seems these two much be combined.
4 of Cups
Pleasure in excess often leads to the stagnation of that pleasure and the desire for even greater things which are simply impossible. This is the lesson of the Four of Cups, a card that urges moderation in relationships and all matters of the heart. This is an apparently good and innocent card with a nasty sting lying in wait. Usually it signals a person who is surrounded by love and devotion, totally happy with himself and the life he has made. But the danger in this situation is this: if you take love for granted, you start losing it.
This statement makes more sense than you might think. If someone is loved for a long period of time, warmly and unconditionally, then they start to forget what it is like to be unloved and alone. And when you deliberately forget about the darkness, it makes special effort to show itself again. After all, the light cannot be truly appreciated if we have nothing to compare it with. The scary part is that you usually bring about the darkness by yourself, by taking for granted the love and affection you receive. Carelessness sets in and soon everything you cared for - and everyone that cared for you - has slipped away.
When the Four of Cups appears it must be taken as a warning. It bears the message that there is a lot of love in your life - but that it can and will slip away if you are not careful. If you see this card and think that there isn't a lot of love in your life, it is a sign to think again. Take a good long look at your life, and you'll see how much love there is in it. Most of the time, people do not realize the abundance they live in every day. They are too concerned with what they want, and they have no time to look at their lives and see how much they already have.
This is not to say, by any means, that you cannot strive for more in life. When you have no ambitions left, your life will start to stagnate, and you will lose interest in the things that once gave you the greatest pleasure. Having no ambition is worse than having ambitions and standards that are too lofty to reach - but not much worse. A lot of the disappointment in life comes from people who want more, but who already have all that they need. The key to overcoming this disappointment is simply to see all the good that is in your life already, and be thankful for it every day. So open up your eyes and look for yourself!
The Tower
Sometimes, when accepted and welcomed, divine wisdom and enlightenment flow freely like a calm river. The rest of the time, wisdom is blocked until it rages forth like a tidal wave and crushes anything in its path, including the recipient of the wisdom. This is the energy of the Tower card, an energy very similar to Death in that it is both a destructive and a creative force. When a building is old and decrepit, it must be demolished so that a new structure may stand in its place. The same is true of the symbolic Tower. When old attitudes and beliefs are outdated, you will have to let go of them, whether you like it or not.
In most cases, the latter is true - you do not want to give up your ideals, and you cling to them like a child to his preciou security blanket. This attempt at security ensures nothing, really, except a disastrous change that will painfully rip away that which you did not discard of your own volition. But there is a greater purpose at work here. The power of the soul and the mind is far greater than the energy of some physical thing, and it can be taken with you anywhere and always. To extend the security blanket analogy, the blanket must be taken away so the child can find power and security within himself, instead of within some material object.
When you believe material objects are more powerful than spirit and mind, you start building up a Tower of falsehoods on a very unstable foundation. If, by some miracle of engineering, it does not collapse under its own weight, you will eventually push it over yourself. The Tower falls not because Fate says so but because something within can no longer endure the strain it must bear. Sooner or later it will give out. This is a humbling experience because its lesson is that no one is invincible. The problem for most people is that they concentrate on the negatives and ignore the great opportunity that has been given to them.
The fire of the Tower card burns away all that is negative and outdated, but it leaves behind all that is positive, all that is necessary to begin your life again and replace all that was lost. In essence, this is the energy of Death and Temperance combined, because sweeping-away and building-up both happen at about the same time on the Tower. As soon as the tumbling figures on the Rider-Waite card land on the jagged rocks of reality, they are greeted with the influx of wisdom that they need to survive. And with that wisdom in hand, they can take the first step back on the true path to enlightenment: building a mental Tower to Heaven rather than a physical one.
When wisdom must be forced upon you, or when ignorance must be taken away, the Tower will appear to let you prepare yourself. If you choose to let go of what you no longer need, and accept what you do need, things will go much more smoothly and without frustration. If you ignore the warning of the Tower, however, and cling to the status quo, be prpared for a downfall. You have been oversleeping and this is your spiritual wake-up call. When the Tower is in the area, know that anything that seems secure could not really be safe at all. If a change is destined to happen, to not try to fight it, because all change happens because it is needed.
On an inner level, the destruction of Tower is akin to the breaking-down of the fortress called the ego. When you build a wall to hide your secrets or to conceal your true self, you must know that sooner or later the wall will come tumbling down. Fantasies are particularly prone to being shattered by the power of this card; the Tower dissipates them like sunlight burning away fog. Fantasies and daydreams will not help where you are going so it is best to let go of them now. Do not place your faith in illusions of security; the crown on this card must be worn on by a human head, not placed atop a tower of cold stone.
***I believe that I was given these two cards together because the lesson from the Tower, for me, wasn't the loss of my material tower...it was the loss of my tower that I built upon my former love and relationship, which has been demolished, and now I must realize that I must not take love for granted, as bricks to a wall, and I must not build my tower on a foundation that is outside myself like material things or other people's love. I already have all I need and I can be secure within myself

3rd Card: The Outcome of the Situation
Ace of Cups
Everything starts with love, so they say, and this is certainly true of the Cups suit. The Ace of Cups is the initial flow of emotion that could become a mighty river is given time and attention. It is the planted - but still dormant - seed of great love and affection in the future, the first stirrings of passion, joy and insight. The Cup on this Ace is often said to represent the Holy Grail, and just as Joseph of Arimathea was sustained by the wafer placed in the Grail each day, so too does love and emotional balance sustain our everyday lives.
Often, the Ace of Cups will predict the start of a relationship, one that is full of potential and may eventually lead to true love and happiness. But you must always remember that the Ace can show only potential, not the final result of a situation. If a relationship starts out well, it is up to the two people involved to keep it that way, and improve upon it in any possible manner. The Ace of Cups is not a guarantee of happiness, but a guarantee that you will have the chance to make happiness for yourself if you want to. If you want to develop an existing relationship, the Ace cannot help you.
In situations not involving relationships, the Ace of Cups still shows the power of love that is necessary in the situation. But love in this sense does not always refer to romance. Love is a plant with many flowers: generosity, forgiveness, peace, honesty or simply letting your feelings show. Ask your Inner Voice which kind of love you will need, and you will surely get an answer because the Ace of Cups is the card of the awakening intuition. All of these things associated with emotion and intuition run high when the Ace of Cups makes an appearance.
This is indeed a very spiritual card, not only because of its ties to the intuition and its resemblance to the Holy Grail, but because it shows the first step down a path of enlightenment and understanding. This is a period where the Inner Voice will actively manifest in your life, and your hidden dreams and desires have a chance to be realized. As with the relationship issue, now is your time to pursue those ambitions if you so choose. In the best cases the Ace of Cups will represent a powerful spiritual awakening that you must accept and embrace. Allow the light of the Universe to touch you, and allow the power of love to flow out of your heart. 
***Wow, there's a lot of the "LOVE" theme to this reading. But it makes sense given the major life changes I am still reeling from. I believe that I received this card to remind me that I should love myself. I have proven that I am devoted and I love with all I am, I have seen that I am worthy of unconditional love, I have nothing else to prove. I think that as much as I have been focused on my career, I should instead be turning inward and learn to love myself. I am prepared to go on the journey to enlightenment that is laid out in front of me.

Living Alone.

I find it hard to be alone. I miss hearing someone else rustling around the house, breathing, living, just being there. Growing up I never had a room to myself nor any privacy really until well into college, then for just stints during roomate changes. I liked having people around, I still do. Josh and I had my brother live with us, then my cousin and her three babies...all in our two bedroom house in SC. Then we moved to NC where we lived with another couple and then Mia. Plus we had our menagerie of animals, which is why our home was called the Ark. Now I'm in a 1 bedroom apartment with no pets; it is quite a different lifestyle that I've fallen into. Not bad. Just very different.

It is hard for me to come home to an empty house. I don't know if I will ever be happy with this. This is the price that I have to pay for the direction life has taken me. It's one thing to talk to Big on the phone while he's traveling, but the the phone thing doesn't happen every day especially when there is a time difference or our work schedules clash. It's not his fault, nor does it strain our relationship, it's just doesn't help the situation.

It gets super lonely at the end of those days when I can't talk to Big because that's when I realize that, at the end of the day,  I have no one with whom to share my day. It is a very lonely feeling to not have some family member already right there or some warm pet to snuggle. I am definitely a tribal type and the lack of someone's heart beating, breathing, and rustling really takes a toll sometimes.

I find it is a double-edged sword. When I am busy I have less time to realize I am alone, however I have more things I would like to share with a loved one at the end of said busy days though no one is there which is depressing. When I am not busy I have more time to realize I am alone which is depressing though no real pressing urge to share any news with them at the end of those slow days and no real distraction from the depressing feeling. I do not rely on others for my happiness, don't get me wrong, but honestly I'm simply not used to such abundance of oppressive silence.

It's not even about being social, necessarily, in fact I would much rather not go out. A great evening to me would be to stay in and cook and enjoy wonderful conversation and laughs, whether it's at my place or a friend's. And I know that I can talk to Big the next day if I can't reach him at night...but that is not the point. It isn't enough for me to have a phone call, even if it is daily. It is ironic that after I spent so long in an open marriage surrounded by people, now my monogamous boyfriend would be the type who makes his living traveling. Serves me right. But at least in a way it is forcing me to learn how to live with just me and my heartbeats and my breathing and no one else's. I love my mom and I look up to her, but I do see the struggles she is going through now that she is living alone. She and I are independent, we do what we do, but we are not used to being alone. It is very hard for her, and I guess maybe there is some truth to the old saying, "You can't teach an old dog new tricks," so in a way I am grateful for this lesson in living alone.

My 4th of July Weekend part 2

This July 4th was definitely not a traditional one for me. Instead of camping or backyard BBQ'ing, I went to Malibu to see the ocean, go to a wine tasting at a 5-Star restaurant, and then see four amazing fireworks shows over the Pacific Ocean from the best view in Malibu.

I had designs on going to the beach proper and actually putting my toes in the water, or at least my feet in the sand. Alas, that was not to be. The beaches were positively packed with people. Of course they were. It's Malibu on a holiday. Whatever was I thinking? But the drive was gorgeous.

I spent the late afternoon with Big at Beau Rivage. It is that 5-star place I was talking about, and as such it was quite empty...we had the place to ourselves.  tasting wine and chocolate made with port and all manner of nummies.  I like to taste the wine before I read or hear the description so I can try to identify the notes I am tasting before I know what they are. I am getting alright at this wine tasting thing actually. After that, instead of doing a beach picnic, I decided it would be best to get my white ass out of the sun and the crowd. So we went to see a movie instead. We saw Bad Teacher. It was cute.

After the movie it was time to carry on with our plans. Armed with our new chocolates and a couple bottles of wine, we make our way to the party by the pacific. EPIC!! I'll just describe it as an intimate gathering of amazing people, and even though we weren't all family and friends we all had a great time drinking and watching the shows. It was amazing. From where we were you could see from bluff to bluff all the way to Santa Monica (well, on a clear night lol). There were four huge barges that set sail from various points along the shore, designed to give everyone along the shore a view of the fireworks show. One after another they began their show and I was fortunate enough to see all four shows from where we were sipping our wine and having a great time.

4th of July - Part 1

This is the 1st year in 11 years that Big hasn't worked the Warped Tour. This is a good thing. This is also the 1st year he's gotten a chance to go to the Warped Tour as a spectator, a civilian.

We drove down to Ventura but before we parked for the day we explored a bit. We found this adorable little italian place and decided to have a little lunch. This was a real treat for Big. Here he was at the site of the tour but instead of working we're relaxing over a wonderful lunch and a caraffe of chianti.

After lunch we got our vip bands and went to see his tour friends; most of whom have grown into family at the point after so many years of touring together. It is fascinating to see this exchange. Tour folk seem to have their own culture. I guess it makes since after living and sleeping in a bus with 19 others, working in the sun all day with rarely a shower, and eating off a grub line everyday as you traverse the country. In a way it sounds like a wonderful adventure.

After bus call Big and I left the Warped Tour. We were eagerly on our way to our next destination.

We will be spending the 4th in Malibu. I'll be blogging about that experience later.
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My Visit to Sonoma Wine Country

Big arranged for us to visit Sonoma and go wine tasting. I like the idea of wine tasting and I would go with mia or the bestest to a few wine places back home but I never really got into it.

Then the bestest started making his own wine, and honestly it was better than the kinds I had tried so I sorta got out of the wine loop for a while.

I expressed to Big my desire to start back up learning about wines and going to wine tasting. I asked him if he'd like to go with me to a few places I found close by. He said he'd do me one better and take me to Sonoma to visit a vineyard and have one of the best wine tasting experiences this side of France.

He decided to take me to a winery owned by one of the Doobie Brothers. Of course he would, he's all about music so how perfect is that.

The sommelier instantly recognized Big and gave us the red carpet treatment. Sometimes I swear Big knows everyone! We got a free personal tour of the grounds and we got to sample a lot of great wines.

Big signed us up for their Wine Club so now we get 6 bottles a year from these guys. I learned a good bit actually and I'm looking forward to learning more. Good thing this won't be my last trip to Sonoma!
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Touring with Big

When I found out what Big did for a living I was very excited because he makes a living doing the very thing that inspired me to switch my major! He works in experiential marketing. I don't work in that field but I still have a desire to, and I know that I don't want to keep doing my current vocation forever. I always thought I would get a sensible college degree so I would have something to fall back on, and in this particular field the adage "it's not what you know but who you know" is more law than myth.

I always wanted a family business. I love working with family and the time spent working in the same office as josh and mia was the happiest of my working experiences since my current position. I love the connection that it creates when you work on something relevant to each other, it gives you so much more to talk about...at least to me.

I've gone out on a couple of marketing tours with Big and we are talking more and more of how we can be the ones to write the checks and plan the tours...he's been the frontrunner of these talks, which is wonderful because I'm used to being the idea-haver. It is refreshing to know I am coupled with someone who is as ambitious as I am.

I was worried that being on the road and working with Big would bring up issues, fighting, discomfort, etc...and I figure it would have best to just get all of that out of the way. Oddly enough things have been nothing but smooth. I have to check myself a good bit because I'm not used to not being in the management role in situations like this...so I have to remember that lol. But I am learning a lot and I'm really good at it so far.

It is nice to know that I am building experience and learning so much while still working and doing what I love. It is also nice to know that so far Big and I haven't torn off each others' heads lol. I like working and living and I'm learning that as long as you like work and life you're doing pretty good!

Armageddon Nostalgic

Well I guess today isn't the day I go. But on this, the supposed Last Day, I can't help but to sit and think about things that mean a lot to me.

There are a lot of things I miss.

Going to Flea Markets and Thrifting with Josh still ranks up there with my most happy times. I miss the weekly Coffee Dates that Justine and I would take, even though she doesn't drink coffee. I miss Garage Talks with the Bestest. So much. I miss the days with Kiki who was like my surrogate older sister.

I can't dwell on these things, I know. It hurts too much. But in a way it is so good to know that these things are indeed irreplaceable, which makes them all the more precious.

I've made my mind up to continue on my journey, where ever that might take me, and I won't stop in my tracks and I won't backstep...but I will continue to look back with love on all the wonderful moments I've had. Since it seems I will have at least a few more days on this planet I will try to cultivate new rituals with new people...but I'm still praying for that transporter so I can pop right over to meet Justine at our Starbucks or beam right into Steve's garage for one of his legendary homebrews and talks.

I'm actually growing a plant!

I have a black thumb. It's been proven time and again as I kill one innocent plant after another. Seriously I have managed to kill off even cacti and aloe....yeah, it's that bad. Yet I have still always wanted to grow something.

In the past I have tried to grow strawberries in a hanging pot, so as to keep the pets away, but they never even sprouted! I have tried to make a flower bed and plant herbs and flowers given to me by my grandmother, Me-Ma...I think maybe there's a rosemary bush still around, but everything else was a no go. Yet still I keep on keeping on.

I've never been able to successfully grow anything from a seed, so I just bought the potted plants from Lowes or Walmart...then I planted them, cared for them, watched them die...and so on and so forth.

Until now.

I saw a cute little Buzzy kit in the dollar section of Target, it had a teeny planter, a packet of seeds, and some soil. I thought to myself, hell it's only a dollar, let's give it a try. They had a lot of different plants to choose from in these little kits, so I chose the TOMATO PLANT! Yeah! I've never tried to grow an actual vegetable.

I planted 5 of the seeds in the little pot. And all five seeds have sprouted! They are actually growing. It seems so simple, but it's a huge accomplishment for me. My Me-Ma and Gran-Gran were really into gardening and I always admired that. Me-Ma has been really supportive, giving me cuttings of plants she'd been growing since I was a baby...but nothing seemed to take. Nothing I had planted before ever grew, unless it was weeds lol! Gran-Gran used to grow tomatoes in pickle tubs and he would sell them, along with other awesome stuff he grew, at the Farmer's Market in SC. We lost him recently and I thought it would be nice to honor his memory by trying to grow tomatoes myself.

I am so glad that I didn't give up on this. I can't count the times in the past where I wasted so much time and money on plants and seeds and soil and supplies to no avail. I don't know why this time is different, but somehow I did it. Now I've got five gorgeous tomato sprouts growing strong!.

work work work

I've been doing a lot of work on my new lesson plans. Now all I need is a space in which to teach...preferably one that allows me to get paid yet doesn't cost an arm and a leg to rent. That type of space is LA is actually hard to come by. I could teach my little heart out at this cute little community club house/meeting place....but they don't pay their presenters and well since I'm a professional I need to be paid for teaching my art. I know it is flattery but I have already seen knock offs of my style out there in photos, and that's fine but it does make me think twice before I just give away my trade secrets. Also most places here are really expensive to rent, then you have to find seating and teaching aids and staff to man the door and make sure everyone gets all the paperwork done...all that kinda stuff. But I feel that any minute now an opportunity will present itself and I will have a space to share my workshops with folk.

I miss teaching so much. It feels like a lifetime since I taught a proper class and I've been ready to return. I do have a four-hour spot at a trade show at the LA Convention Center in a month or so. That will be nice! I think I will be able to do a nice demo and get the word out about my art and classes.

I've also been doing a lot of planning on some other projects to come...and this time I'm armed with a team of pros who have been in the industry for a while and know what they are doing. It's scary to think that I might actually be able to pull off what I am planning. But I am going to damn well try.

In the meantime I have to work on losing weight! I've put on stress weight since the holidays and it's not looking pretty haha. But no matter, I am learning patience and so I think I can handle this.

Easter Tradition Revisited

Yesterday was Easter and it was the first time in a while that I dyed Easter eggs. Big thought it would be nice to dye eggs this year and celebrate a proper holiday together. I thought it was a great idea because I love holidays so much, plus he and I are rarely together for holidays because of his travels. I thought it was cute that he wanted to do this.

Our Easter was very domestic and quiet. Not at all exciting or worth note, millions of people celebrate Easter in a very similar way...however I lived such a nontraditional life for such a long time that sometimes going along with tradition seems a bit "kinky" to me. See there? See how I can't even post about something as innocent an innocuous as Easter without using the word kinky.

So yeah, back to our day. It was so cute! The only thing that would have made it perfect would be to add my friends and family from back home. I miss them so much!

When we got up Big made coffee and took me to the grocery store to buy eggs - that's love right there, you'd have to do some hefty convincing to get me to drive to the grocery on easter sunday to buy eggs! Eggs in hand we returned to the apartment where I made bacon cinnamon rolls for brunch and big made a nummy bloody mary for us and then prepped his marinade for the t-bone steaks to come later for Easter dinner. He's old school Italian where it's tradition for the men to do the cooking, it reminds me of Gran Gran, my grandfather, who would also cook the big family meals and I loved it.

The rest of the day is spent playing wii, dying eggs, and watching excellent movies like Beverly Hills Cop and Lord of the Rings: Return of the King and lots of conversation and cuddles until it was time for Big to make Easter dinner. The night before, Big and I were at the Lil Wayne show where we were working it back stage with the tour manager for Nicki Minaj who's meet and greet party was nuts. There were both kids and adults crying and she was sweet and hugged each one and posed for photos, there was a pink confection table and it was just adorable...but it was nice to kick back at home the day after all that and enjoy a holiday.

Here's the eggs yall. Because you have to look at them. Each one. It is mandatory. And thusly is deemed so.

Big holding an egg!

See those pink bunny pot holders? Big picked those out.

I made this one with swirlies and rainbow stripes

Big's egg, he's so sentimental!

I made this multicolored one with paper flowers and hose

springtime yellow!

My attempt at sentiment, think I'll stick with the swirlies

We made one each with fishnets, Big added a flower to his green one

We both worked on this one, it's orange and pink and swirly and speckled and it's my favorite one.